Deep Thoughts

As I come to the end of my exile in Homeless, Luzianne, I would like to take a moment and reflect on the last two months.

It seems I've made the right career choice. The alternative I dealt with last month SUCKED.

I've broken my lucky streak with one very negative outcome that wasn't my fault, and another less-than-ideal outcome that was totally my fault.

I've experienced the Zen of total immersion in work, with only a blog for a lifeline to society (thanks, y'all).

I've lost ten pounds (and put 5 of 'em back on over Thanksgiving).

I've maxed out the bench press machine at the local gym.

And I've really missed my fiancee'.

But most importantly, I've decided that I do NOT want to live in a little hiccup of a town in the middle of a freakin' swamp. I hate this stupid, tiny, pointless burg and cannot wait to shake its dust from my boots. I look forward to getting back to New Orleans, where the water doesn't taste like someone drank it already, the movie theaterS (plural) show films that require a triple-digit IQ to appreciate, and the cocktail waitresses have teeth. Where else but Homeless could an ugly midget stripper make a living?

Add One to the Flick List

Roadhouse (all right, minus several points for Patrick Swayze. BUT plus several hundred for multiple barroom brawls, "Pain don't hurt", Sam Eliot as the crusty old badass, the guy who gets his heart ripped out, and the immortal line "polar bear fell on me")

Plastic Surgery Fans of the World, Unite!

In yet another mockery of traditional marriage, recent press releases indicate that Kid Rock and Pam Anderson are divorcing, after only four months, due to "irreconcilable differences".

The good news is that Pam's available again, Andy can live out his life-long fantasy.

Don't forget to get video.

Don't believe me? Follow this link:

Thanks, Ben

"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

"With all this Injustice, he is never in good Case but like those among Men who live by Sharping & Robbing he is generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District. He is therefore by no means a proper Emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the King birds from our Country . . .

"I am on this account not displeased that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."

Hemp Heroes Hide Hopelessly

In recent news, a group of Dutch potheads recently announced that they would not attempt to roll and smoke the world's largest joint in an Amsterdam bar. They cite obscure legislation that apparently makes posession of large amounts of marijuana illegal, even in Holland.

The record reefer was meant to be 500 grams (that's over a pound).

Don't believe me? Follow this link:

Real Man Movies

As some of you know, I've been working on a list of the Top Ten Movies Every Real Man Must See for a little over a year now.

I am officially declaring that project a bust.

You just can't pick the top ten testosterone flicks. Hell, John Wayne by himself has well over 100. So instead, I'm working on a canonical list of guy flicks.
To be included a movie must contain significant violence, a humorous and/or inept sidekick, and a certain amount of cheesecake (actual exposure may be scaled for date of film release). Explosions and car/horse/spaceship/chariot chases are a definite plus. Points will be deducted for character development or other obvious plot, kissing, or any appearance of Leonardo DiCaprio.

For the first entries:

Conan the Barbarian ('cos Aahnold will PUMP YOU UP)

Escape from New York ('cos it's got Snake Pliskin in it)

Anything with John Wayne ('cos his ghost would kick my ass otherwise)

Caddyshack ('cos Bill Murray blows up a golf course)

and the Special Bonus Entry:
Army of Darkness (if you have to ask, you'll never know)

Suggestions are welcome, preferably with a reason why they should be included.

Ju-ju

Hey John--

So what's this bad ju-ju that you got on your mojo after talkin' trash 'bout taters?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Know Thyself

Heather's take on how I would respond to the "Tarot Card Personality Test":

You are The Emperor

Stability, power, protection, realization; a great person.

The Emperor is the great authority figure of the Tarot, so it represents
fathers, father-figures and employers. There is a lot of aggression and violence
too.

The Emperor naturally follows the Empress. Like an infant, he is filled with enthuiasm, energy, aggression. He is direct, guileless and all too often irresistible. Unfortunately, like a baby he can also be a tyrant. Impatient, demanding, controlling. In the best of circumstances, he signifies the leader that everyone wants to follow, sitting on a throne that indicates the solid foundation of an Empire he created, loves and rules with intelligence and enthusiasm. But that throne can also be a trap, a responsibility that has the Emperor feeling restless, bored and discontent.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I didn't believe it, since I hate to be in charge (it leads to paperwork). So I took the test myself:

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasising and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Jumpin' on the Personality Test Bandwagon

What Lunch Meat Are You?


Need I say more?

Charlotte's Web? Not Exactly.

While I was an undergrad, Yankee John convinced me to get a job working on a farm for the summer. "It'll be great," he said. "We'll hang out, do lots of manual labor, drink beer, and terrorize hippies and migrant laborers." So I got a job on the farm, only to find out John had bailed and gone somewhere else for the summer. So it turned out that it was me getting terrorized by hippies and migrant laborers, with not nearly enough beer to be found.

But there was a pig.

This pig was a very interesting beast...I noticed him early on in the summer. He had sort of a wise, intelligent look to him, but more noticeable was the missing back leg. He'd sort of hop all over the place.

So I asked my boss (a garrulous sort of salt-of-the-earth type named Paul) about this pig's leg, or lack thereof.

"Well," he told me between spitting massive amounts of tobacco saliva into the beans, "that's a mighty special pig right there. He's saved us countless times. Why once, we couldn't find our daughter, Bean. Looked all over the place for her. All of a sudden, the pig comes running up, just a-squealin' and a-oinkin', and generally being a nuisance. So we foller him, and he takes us down to the irrigation pond where's Bean's fallen in. She was only about four at the time, so she couldn't climb out...Heck, I probably wouldn't have been able to climb out of that pond, the banks were all steep and slippery. But the pig, he just jumps in there and pulls her out. Saved her life, he did."

"Did he break the leg jumping in, so you had to amputate?" I asked.

"Nope. This other time, I was plowing the west field and he comes a-tearin' out to where I'm on the tractor, jumps up next to me and knocks me off. Then he grabs me and pulls me away from the tractor. I was pretty ticked off, I can tell you. Thinkin' about spare ribs for dinner. But then the tractor caught fire and went up--whoosh!. If I'd've been on it, I'd've been burned to death, or worse."

"Did he get burned, and lose the leg that way?" I queried.

"Nope." said Paul, pausing to adjust his truss. "This other time, he actually broke down the door to the farmhouse and came and jumped up on the bed, woke us up. The wife was pretty irritated, I can tell you. She'd just finished making that quilt. But then we noticed that there was smoke everywhere, 'cos the house was on fire. We jumped up, grabbed our daughter, and got out of the house just before it collapsed."

"Did he hurt his leg in the collapse?"

"Nope."

"Well, what happened to his leg, Paul?"

Paul paused, and looked at me in that wise, world-weary way that men get after picking tomatoes for a couple of decades.

"You don't eat a pig like that all at once," he said.

I Might Be A Republican Again...

In a recent poll, 37% of respondents indicated that they'd consider voting for Hillary Clinton for president in 2008. This puts her in the lead as far as Democratic contenders are concerned.

Now, I've been pretty anti-Republican for the entire Bush II: The Sequel administration, but now I think it may be time to start bashing Democrats. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!

Hillary Clinton's major contribution to American life is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, commonly known as HIPAA (she was instrumental in its creation during her term as First Lady). This monster, arguably designed to keep doctors from talking about your health care in crowded elevators (admittedly a bad thing) is responsible for a large part of the costs, paperwork and delays found in hospitals and doctor's offices everywhere (definitely a bad thing). Far from improving portability, it dramatically increases the difficulty in getting medical records transferred from one hospital to another.

Another interesting fact is that HIPAA is only a small part of the "reform" that Clinton intended. I can only imagine how screwed up health care would be in this country if she'd actually gotten what she wanted.

Don't believe me? Follow this link:
http://www.2004dnc.com/2008presidentialelection/

Conversation Starter

The following was found in an online news service:

>Meanwhile, it’s now official - the United States is less progressive and tolerant than South Africa, whose parliament approved legislation today recognizing gay marriages.

Let the debate begin.

That's not a sweet nothing!

So today my beloved said the following to me:

I am a mean sack of potatoes.
I will strangle you with my rooty appendages.

Admittedly, I haven't included the context. But still, do I really want to sleep next to a person like this, especially if she knows where the knives are?

In Other News...

New month, new job. I have both more and less responsibility this month...Much higher stakes, but much more oversight--my immediate boss is in the facility whenever I am. In other good news, call nights thus far have involved actual sleep.

The bad news is, I fully expect my run of "no catastrophic outcome since I started school" will come to an end this month.

Insert Shouted Obscenity Here

Andy's latest email inspired me to look up the date of the next Derby. It turns out I won't be able to get away from work that month.

Insert muttered obscenities here.