An Embarassing Story

(as related to me by an anonymous source)

I played football in high school. It may come as a surprise to know that I was big but slow, and frequently came in last during team runs. Wanting to "be my best"*, I undertook to become faster.

Of course, I didn't want to actually exercise or anything, so I decided to cut down on my wind resistance. I did this by shaving my entire body**.

One day, before my folks got home, I stripped down and smeared my body in cocoa butter, then proceeded to try to shave off all my body hair. This is a Bad Idea if you own two dogs, because dogs like cocoa butter.

Have you ever tried to shave those hard-to-reach places while being licked to death by the world's dumbest Lab and a Golden who won't take no for an answer?

Soon I was covered with bald spots, razor burns, and shaving nicks, and the dogs were having explosive diarrhea everywhere. It seems that, while dogs like cocoa butter, cocoa butter doesn't like dogs.

It occurred to me that no way would I have time to clean up this mess before my folks got home, as I was becoming anemic from the blood loss. So I called my good friend Ted, who I know I can always count on for sage advice and heavy lifting.

When Ted found out what happened, he sprang into action: He laughed so hard he nearly passed out. After seeing this I knew my parents would see the funny side of the afternoon's events, and laugh with me, not at me.

I think that, technically, I'm still grounded.

*just like Eliza Dushku

**just like Lance Armstrong