How Did They Know Which End to Stick the Colonoscope In?

Cheney, Briefly Assuming Bush’s Duties, Says He Enjoyed The Downtime



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BOROWITZ REPORT

Cheney, Briefly Assuming Bush’s Duties, Says He Enjoyed The Downtime

President’s Colon Procedure Offered Welcome Break From Grueling Vice-Presidential Schedule
Vice-President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed President Bush’s duties while the President underwent a routine colon procedure on Saturday, told reporters today that he “enjoyed the downtime immensely.” The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush’s job were “incredibly relaxing,” Mr. Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting Vice-Presidential schedule. Invoking the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the Constitution Saturday morning, Mr. Bush transferred to Mr. Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Mr. Cheney spent Saturday jogging, going to the gym, and hitting a ball for Mr. Bush’s dog to retrieve. In addition, Mr. Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg “evil,” stumbling briefly over the pronunciation of Luxembourg. Finally, as Mr. Bush’s colon procedure was winding down, Mr. Cheney made some remarks about the Japanese economy, mistakenly using the word “devaluation” instead of “deflation,” sending the NIKKEI stock market into a tailspin. All in all, Mr. Cheney said he emerged from his brief tenure as President rested and refreshed, ready to plunge back into his demanding Vice-Presidential workload. As for the President, Mr. Bush’s doctors pronounced his procedure a success, but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the President’s anesthesia had fully worn off. Mr. Bush’s doctors indicated that when they asked the President the standard post-operative questions – such as, “What is the capital of the United States?” – Mr. Bush got only two out of five correct. “Before the operation, he got three out of five right,” one doctor said. Elsewhere, a Mexican candy has been recalled after containing traces of lead, in a sign of Mexico’s ongoing effort to compete with China’s candy industry.