An Embarassing Story

(as related to me by an anonymous source)

I played football in high school. It may come as a surprise to know that I was big but slow, and frequently came in last during team runs. Wanting to "be my best"*, I undertook to become faster.

Of course, I didn't want to actually exercise or anything, so I decided to cut down on my wind resistance. I did this by shaving my entire body**.

One day, before my folks got home, I stripped down and smeared my body in cocoa butter, then proceeded to try to shave off all my body hair. This is a Bad Idea if you own two dogs, because dogs like cocoa butter.

Have you ever tried to shave those hard-to-reach places while being licked to death by the world's dumbest Lab and a Golden who won't take no for an answer?

Soon I was covered with bald spots, razor burns, and shaving nicks, and the dogs were having explosive diarrhea everywhere. It seems that, while dogs like cocoa butter, cocoa butter doesn't like dogs.

It occurred to me that no way would I have time to clean up this mess before my folks got home, as I was becoming anemic from the blood loss. So I called my good friend Ted, who I know I can always count on for sage advice and heavy lifting.

When Ted found out what happened, he sprang into action: He laughed so hard he nearly passed out. After seeing this I knew my parents would see the funny side of the afternoon's events, and laugh with me, not at me.

I think that, technically, I'm still grounded.

*just like Eliza Dushku

**just like Lance Armstrong

Another Night at Work

We get dialysis patients in the ED. Not folks on scheduled dialysis (although we get those too sometimes), but folks from out of town who should be on scheduled dialysis and aren't. For legal reasons. If you get my drift and I think you do.

The other night we had an unusual patient. Nothing unusual wrong with him, but he knew the right people. Was married to an ICE agent*. So, while his agent-spouse was flying in from East Armpit, a bunch of local agents showed up to well-wish, "expedite" matters, and generally get in the way as cops do when one of their own winds up in my ED.

Interestingly enough, that night all the dialysis patients disappeared.

*For those who don't know, ICE is the Immigration Control and Enforcement division of Homeland Security. Yes, they're the new front for the MIB.

Stupid Appliances

I got home last night and found the freezer less than totally frozen. I really didn't think about it, just cranked the knob over to "more colder" and went on with my life. So of course I got up this morning to some freshly-thawed chicken breast.

Well, shit.

Moved everything that can stand it to the deep freeze, froze some water to stick in the fridge, called Sears to repair the damned thing. They're coming tomorrow afternoon. This is EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my day off, let me tell you.

UPDATE: $300 and a new relay switch later, we're back in business. Props to Sears Appliance repair, they were on-time, courteous, and cheaper than a new refrigerator.